Mountains and Neon Lights

Together at last.

I know what you must be thinking. Who would allow such a thing? Who would in their right mind would gaze upon the the natural wonder of the Smoky mountains and think to themselves, "Whooooooa, what this place really needs is a go-cart track with a 100 foot, electronic sign. I'll put it between the McDonald's and the IHOP, across the road from the adult gift shop!"

The people of Pigeon Forge and Galtlingburg, TN, that's who.

The only way I can think of describing it this:

First picture the coolest, wooded place you've ever been. It doesn't have to be anywhere special. It could be a local park, or even your backyard if you live/lived in a wooded area. Got it? OK.

Now, picture the strip at Las Vegas with a few details added and subtracted. Take out the tall buildings, the fancy cars, the nice restaurants, the nice hotels, the fancy shows, and basically anything else remotely classy. Now, in place of the tall buildings, add arcades, go-cart tracks, adult book stores, and souvenir shops. In place of nice restaurants, add pancake houses, McDonald's, and bargain steak houses. In place of the fancy shows, add shows with names like "The Comedy Barn". And finally in place of nice hotels, add Days Inn, Comfort Inn, and innumerable non-chain hotels with "Free Jacuzzi" and "Free HBO" signs prominently displayed. Mix in about a billion stop-lights, lots of southern accents, and you've got yourself Hick Vegas.

Still with me? One more step. Take your beautiful, bucolic, wooded setting of natural splendor and juxtapose it with Hick Vegas. Can you get your mind around it? As Everlast said, "then you really might know what it's like."

Part of me enjoyed the juxtaposition. It was just so absurd. My eyes wandered from over-sized electronic sign to over-sized electronic sign, trying to absorb as much visual data as I could. After driving through Pigeon Forge just once, I think I now have ADD. And I haven't even gone to Dollywood yet. I may just crumple in an epileptic seizure upon crossing the gates if I go there.

The larger part of me was sad to see what I saw as a cheapening of such natural beauty. The Great Smoky Mountains are truly amazing. The views in the park rivaled the views of the Rocky Mountains in my mind, and for those of you who know me well, that is a huge complement for the Smokies. I occasionally caught myself thinking, while staring into the distance of a beautiful view or plant or animal, that what I was seeing was somehow tainted, the vibrant images in my mind slightly ironically grayed by the bright lights of the surrounding towns.

But luckily, those thoughts passed and I was able to enjoy myself. To all nature-lovers: the Smokies are a must see. Just be prepared to travel through the unnaturally bright and blinking gauntlets of Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg. Close your eyes if necessary.

Oh, about the trip. I went with some goods friends, Louise and Brad, Thursday late in the morning. We car-camped that night at Elkmont campground in the northern part of the park. Awesome night. Louise and Brad both bought wine, four bottles in total, all of which I believe were under $5 a bottle. But to give our taste some credit, one of them was on sale. 50% off. So there. Ridiculousness ensued as could be expected, three of the four bottles finished off before the night was over. I stayed mostly behind the camera, and some of the aforementioned ridiculousness has been documented in the photo section.

The next day we visited Grotto falls, which was a little disappointing. There was a ton of people there, and the falls I guess were a little dried up. And plus we didn't even find any salamanders, which is what it is famous for. So after that we went to the launching point of our backcountry hike at the south end of the park. Man it took awhile to get there. At one point we drove down a one-lane, windy road, completely surrounded by woods, and barely wide enough for my puny Focus. That was actually fun. Though, if my car's suspension could talk, I'm sure it would disagree.

Once there, we headed out and only hiked a few miles to our first night's campsite. It was already pretty late at that point anyway, so it worked out well. The next day we hiked about 12 miles and camping at an overcrowded campsite. People people people! Too many people! The next morning we hiked the last few miles and met up with our car again.

It was a pretty cool hike. The collective knowledge between Louise and Brad allowed the identification of virtually any plant we came across. We came across a plant called an Indian Cucumber Root, I believe, which Brad dug out of the ground revealing a white, fleshy bulb at the bottom, and told me to try it. It actually tasted quite good and was refreshing. Like a cucumber. We also came across a plant called a Sassafras, whose leaves, when ripped, smell exactly like Fruit Loops. I mean EXACTLY like fruit loops. It was uncanny.

I also learned a lot about the birds there. Their specific calls and how to identify them, and lots of other general info about birds that I never knew. Did you know that the oven-bird nests on the ground in a rounded tipi-like structure? Yep, that's right. You do now.

So the trip was very tiring but awesome and well worth all the driving. Check out the pics!

So the plan is to hang around this area for a few more days. I'm definitely going to visit Dollywood before I leave. I can't pass up that cultural experience. I believe I'm also going to visit some local gorge that seems pretty cool. Oh, and then there's the creationist museum can't forget that. And maybe some other minor things and then off to Oklahoma!

If your eyes are as tired as my fingers, then you must be glad this post is about to end.

Phew.

Chris